Here’s My Problem With Modern Feminism (From A Self-Proclaimed Feminist)

Originally Published in Thought Catalog

Feminism.

It’s something that scares men away, and divides women. It’s something that is used so loosely nowadays its value diminishes. Its origins stem from inequality between the sexes in a patriarchal society. Fast forward to today, most first world nations have taken steps in the right direction. Canada being at the forefront of a feminist-centric movement through equal gender representation in its government, a movement advocated by its male prime minister. All over the world women are recognized, even put on a pedestal for “having it all.” We toss these names all over our newsfeed, our modern day Amazonians – Hillary Clinton, Beyoncé Knowles, and other figures than may have not made it in mainstream consciousness but have become movers and shakers in their own fields, male dominated or not.

Despite these developments, I think this generation has gotten feminism all wrong. 

With the advent of social media, I find it so alarming that the likes of Kim Kardashian and Miley Cyrus are seen as icons of the modern feminist movement. I find it alarming that “Free the Nipple” and “My Body, My Choice” are battle cries breeding a generation of women that is so blinded by freedom, it forgets about consequence.

It’s one thing to be free to choose. Most, if not all human beings have that right. But where the conflict lies is how empowerment is seen in the act of free choice, without considering the consequences of that choice. It’s a fine line that separates empowerment with narcissism. If you get up on that bar top and take your bra off, that is your choice. But you need to be able to own up to the consequence of that action, or the worst-case scenario. In this case it could be as mild as heckling and as bad as sexual harassment. In an ideal world, men should respect you and your decisions. In many parts of the world, this is not reality.

And to be a true feminist, we need to understand that before getting blinded by narcissism in the disguise of empowerment.

The trap of modern feminism is thinking it stops with free choice, without taking into account the consequences of that choice within present day realities.

Yes, it’s hard to be a woman in a somewhat, still very male dominated world. Yes, sometimes you just want to wear that short skirt and screw anyone you want, without facing consequences. Yes, sometimes you just want to shed all of what society expects from you as a woman and begin acting like a man. But in doing so, you still conform to the very ideology you are trying to rebel against- by conceding to the thinking you very much detest. We are dangerously attracted to the recklessness, relentlessness and ruthlessness men seem to get away with in the arenas of love and career, we forget about the natural strengths and abilities that come with being a woman.

To be a true feminist isn’t to act like a man. It isn’t to embody masculine traits and add more fuel and division to an already very male eschewed world. To be a true feminist is accepting the uniqueness that come with your gender – strengths, limitations and all, and respect that same uniqueness in the opposite sex. 

You can be a feminist if you’re male, female, or gay. To be a true feminist is to own up to your choices by owning up to their consequences. Know the difference between narcissism and true empowerment. “I will make a choice based on the consequence I am willing to face.” That takes it a step further than the mainstream take on feminism. The mark of a true feminist is making informed decisions. It’s owning up to not just our choices but the consequences of our choices, considering present day realities. It’s one thing to dress provocatively to express yourself, but take it a step further and think of the consequences of that choice. That is true feminism for me. In fact, it goes beyond the gender wars. Thinking of consequence takes you beyond feminism to what I think the world needs more of – HUMANISM. 

More than showing the world our bodies, let us show the world what kind of humans it needs today – one that exercises freedom with full knowledge of consequence, one that accepts and respects the strengths and limitations of both genders, one that seeks to unite rather than divide the world even further.

So the next time you want to shed some skin, think of your true motivation before you #feminist what you show, do, or say.

Girls Gone Wild Abroad?

The “crazy” in every young and educated Asian woman often comes alive abroad.

Or maybe in every woman, regardless of educational qualification or nationality. 

I came to this realization when I left home to work in Hong Kong two years ago. Every twentysomething who lived abroad will have their own share of misadventures and “you should have been there” stories that people back home would have a hard time relating to, particularly if the setting is in an international city – where value systems are as transient as the people visiting its borders.

Hong Kong's Lights and Shadows

A twentysomething Asian woman will often be misunderstood once she comes back home. The stories she would share about dancing on bar tops would be deemed out of character, her experiences about her quest for independence - interpreted as boasting, and her tagged party photos, clothing choices and relationship status become favorite topics among the “friends” she had long left behind. Because of social media, the supposedly profound quest for self-discovery is up for public scrutiny and thus, devalued. You have to have really thick skin to brush off what people will think. But for some, the desire to please others still reigns. They become very careful with what they reveal online about their alter egos abroad. It’s all just wasted energy.

Just your average Ladies Night @ Wan Chai, Hong Kong

Remember that a photograph is worth a thousand words. If you were to judge at all, first try to understand. If you’re a woman, even more so.

As a young person who lived abroad, affinity was often established at the onset of meeting new people from different cultures, simply from the shared experience of being a foreigner living abroad. This is different from what happens at home, where social ties are determined by social status, educational attainment, religious beliefs, standards of beauty and other social structures. To an Asian woman, this freedom from the confines of social structures becomes an opportunity to discover oneself outside the intense scrutiny of a judgmental society, strict religious practices, embedded cultural norms, and parental supervision. You become independent for the first time - geographically (as you live on your own), emotionally (as the safety blanket of your friends is not with you) and even perhaps financially (the classic component of what it means to be independent). You can finally begin anew as no reputation of yours will haunt you in your new social backdrop the way your past did back home, where social circles tend to overlap and dictate everything - from who you could date to which companies you could work for to even something as mundane as the restaurants you frequent. You could experiment with the many facets of your personality, turn fantasy into reality, do something you have never done before, and not be judged for it.

A fun night out with friends from different parts of the world

You could be who you want to be.

And when you come to this realization, the liberation begins. Some Asian women have a few weeks or months of crazy nights partying or thrill seeking, but eventually, they revert back to who they are. Others continue on for years until they become the person they discovered abroad. Eventually, home is no longer the place they grew up in, but rather, the place where they most felt like themselves. And there is no right or wrong in whatever choice you would make. That is the greatest sense of liberation any woman could have - knowing that you always have a choice to determine which version of yourself you’re most happy with in an environment that brings out the best in you. The answer is relative to each person.

When Audrey met Ronald

In living away from home, I also discovered what spheres of influence colored my decisions and also what my sources of esteem were. This newfound self-awareness helped me discover my worth outside what typically defined me back home (i.e., what job I had, who my family was, who I was dating, where I studied, etc.) because all these imbedded structures took a halt abroad as I was free to be who I wanted to be. My esteem is firmer because I learned not to hide under the shadow of my friends, the protection of a relationship, and the stability of a job, among many other things. I learned that being true to who I was is enough. I’m lucky to have made friends along the way, who value self-discovery just as much as I do and continue to support me in my decisions without judgment.

Friendships across borders... and countless rooftops

In one’s twenties, we women fluctuate from playing “saint” and “sinner” and experiment with our identities now more than ever, until eventually, we find a happy medium. A state of being that is simply – you. You don’t have to go abroad to be able to discover yourself ala Eat Pray Love. You just need the courage to ask the question – who am I?

Tram Party!

I promise you that the journey will be worth more than the destination.

Always in my heart...
Hong Kong (2011 - 2013)